Kindness is not an easy feat to accomplish. Especially in the face of six year old tantrums, misbehavior, and exhaustion. Especially the exhaustion!
Today starts Day 12. That means I’m 1/3 of the way there. Read the original post here.
But I’m so far from getting there.
And here’s the problem. Kindness is not always returned. I am striving to speak with kindness and respect towards Evan and yet he still responds with tantrums and screaming and disrespect. And in that moment it is so difficult to keep my cool.
Did I say difficult? I really meant impossible! But yesterday, as I prayed God revealed this hard truth: I’m still trying to do it in my own strength. And let me tell you, I am so incredibly weak!
So where do I go from here? I wish that answer was easy. I would love to say that this great revelation also came with the immediate strength to just lay myself down and allow God to speak instead of using my own hurtful human words. But it did not.
But I did find these verses today in Psalm 19.
“Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
“Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!
“Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgressions.” (v. 12-13)
This struggle of kindness is really rooted in selfishness and pride. And until I had children these truly were hidden faults. But now God has revealed them to me and they must be faced head on. So my prayer is that these sins will no longer have dominion over me. I have a long way to go but God is slowly peeling back all the gunk so I can be a better reflection of him.
The final verse of Psalm 19 says this…
“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight. O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (v. 14)
That is the goal and the hope. The goal is to be acceptable in His sight and the hope is that he will redeem me when I seek to honor his will.
So I still covet your prayers. This journey is far from over but as God reveals his truth to my heart I am doing my best to respond in obedience. I must find the victory, for one day I will stand before this mighty God who is revealing all these truths to me and I want to hear him say “Well done, good and faithful servant. It was hard and you wanted to give up but you endured and now I have for you a reward that will never perish.”
And in that moment I will be able to truly sing the old hymn. “And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace!”